


I Can’t Live This Lie Anymore - Woosan

by Annearcturus



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Gay, Gay Character, Gay Male Character, K-Pop - Freeform, M/M, Mentioned ATEEZ Ensemble, Panic Attacks, Sad and Beautiful, Sad and Happy, Self-Harm, Woosan, kpop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annearcturus/pseuds/Annearcturus
Summary: The desire had always been there, but they knew how to curb it. Push it down, bury it, never let anybody know. One night, San decides to act on his desires and neither boy could live the same way anymore.T/W Suicidal thoughts, self harm, panic attacks
Relationships: Choi San & Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	1. Longing

San glanced around the bar, bustling feet, muffled voices, drowned out music. His friends already gone but something compelled him to stay just a little longer. His hands rested on the cold table in front of him, fingers fiddling with the napkin resting on it. He slowly tore pieces off the napkin, leaving them scattered across the table, a habit he had when he was anxious. He could feel his heart heavy in his chest, beating faster and more irregular with each minute that passed.

"Why am I here" he thought, "I should go. They are probably worried about me". 

San's eyes dart over to the man sitting at the drink station in the center of the bar. Already staring at him, San quickly glances back at the napkin in front of him. He'd been stealing looks at San all night and he couldn't help but notice. Less of quick looks and more like intense stares. 

San was lying to himself, he knew why he stayed here all alone. The man's constant stares made him uncomfortable but excited. Uncomfortable with the way they made him feel, scared of the things they might make him do. They made his heart do things that couldn't possibly be normal he thought. Think thoughts that weren't good, weren't healthy. Every rational thought in San's head was telling him to leave, to walk by the man and never think of him again. That's what a normal person does, what a moral person does he convinced himself. 

He gathered his things from the table and got up from his seat. His feet making his way towards the exit but getting closer and closer to the man. Heart beating more irregularly with every step he kept his head facing away from the center of the bar and towards the exit, hoping, praying he wouldn't notice him leave. San feels a sudden pressure on his wrist and turns to see the man holding it, staring directly at him. Him, why him.

"Hi", the man says, his voice dark and warm a direct contrast to San's bubbly and bright one. 

"Hey" San replies, his voice timid and shaky. 

"Where are you off to in such a rush?" The man asked. 

"Oh uh well I - I'm just headed home" San answered. The man's confidence making him crumble. 

"Well why don't you at least let me buy you a drink before you head out" 

"I really just have to get home I'm sorry I just I I've been out much longer than my friends and sure they are wor-

"Woah there tiger, no need to panic I understand. Well if you aren't going to stay and let me buy you a drink why don't you at least let me walk you to your car. This isn't the best part of town" he interrupts.

"Ok I guess that would be fine" San replies. 

The man gets up out of his seat to walk with him and says a quick goodbye to the bartender. San hadn't realized before this moment how much taller the man was than him. He felt weak and frail but somehow safer in his presence. The pair walked towards the exit, San's head pointed towards the ground, anywhere but towards the breathtaking man standing beside him. The man pushed open the exit door and gestured his hand to let San walk through. As the door closes behind them, San feels the man's hand intertwine with his. His fingers gently grasping his, the warmth makes San's heart leap. He takes his free hand and places it on San's chest, slowly pushing him towards the brick wall outside of the bar. The man's face tilted down at his own, San could feel the warmth of his breath on his forehead. He moved his hand from San's chest up to his chin, using his finger to lift his face up to meet his gaze. 

San's back pressed up against the wall, his eyes locked with the man who had been eyeing him all night, their fingers linked, their bodies touching. San takes his free hand that had previously been locked at his side and reaches behind the man's head pulling him in. San kisses him and all at once everything felt right. His hand reaches up and grabs a tuft of hair, keeping him there and not letting him break from the kiss. The man kisses back with fervor, trailing his hands up San's chest and to his neck. He grabs San's wrist and pins it against the wall letting his other hand explore the length of his body. He plants his mouth on San's neck with aggression, not caring about whatever marks might be left behind. San let's out sounds he's never heard come out of him before. Moans, whimpers, growls, passion, an animalistic longing he's finally satisfying. The man's hand trails from San's wrist to his chest, to his stomach, to his crotch. 

San could feel his heart skip and then beat in a way he'd never felt it before. Faster and faster, harder and harder. His bodies reaction to the touch snapped his mind out of the pleasure he had just been experiencing. San took in a sharp breath and without warning shoved the man away from him. 

"What the fuck do you think your doing?!" San yelled 

"I'm sorry, I just thought tha..."

"Well you thought wrong" San said, the tears already welling up in his eyes. 

He turned around and rushed towards his car. Head down, tears flowing. What have I done, what is wrong with me. The thoughts were persistence, intrusive, constant. Disgusting, an outcast, an abomination, and most importantly to him a disappointment to his family. 

His family...the only thoughts on his mind were of his family, both chosen and biological. Nobody could know and most importantly, this could never happen again, with anyone. His head felt hot as he drove home on the dark highway. Eyes staring straight in front of him, glazing over, obscuring his vision. His mind felt numb to everything, all he could feel were the warm tears running down his cheeks and onto his neck. The lump slowly started forming in his throat. Was it dread, regret, fear. Whatever it was it was overtaking him, controlling his body, it was too much for one man to bear. San couldn't help but think how easy it would be to jerk the wheel just a little bit too far one way. To make whatever he was feeling stop. It would be so easy. 

He parked his car at his shared apartment and walked inside. His feet were moving but when he looked down he couldn't comprehend how. His body was moving but he wasn't telling it to. He wasn't in control. The burning in his head was getting unbearable, the pit in his stomach getting tighter with each second that went by. He ran to the bathroom and threw up whatever small amount of alcohol and food he had consumed that day. He sat there until there was nothing left to throw up anymore and still his body wouldn't stop heaving. A mixture of helpless sobs and pained groans escaping his mouth. Surely the whole building could hear him. After what felt like an eternity of lying on the cold bathroom tile, San heard the door creak open. 

"Are you ok?" His roommate Seonghwa asked in a hush tone. His voice so comforting and calming, San needed it. 

"I'm fine, go away" as soon as the words left he wished he could grab them back. Stay with me, hold me, tell me I'm loved 

"Ok I'm sorry" Seonghwa whispered. 

He wasn't annoyed, he wasn't angry, he was genuine. And San knew it, which made him hate the way he barked at him all the more. Made him hate himself all the more, the way he deals with his overflowing feelings, the way he treats those he loves the most, the way he couldn't curb these terrible thoughts. Made him hate who he was.


	2. Who I Am

San woke up still on the cold bathroom tile. Same clothes from the night before, clothes he wished to never see again, clothes that man's hands were on. A night he wished he could scrub from his mind. 

He pealed himself off the floor, his bones aching and his chest heavy. The warmth in his head returns whenever he lets his mind wander. He takes off his clothes and walks into the shower. The warm water falls down his dark hair and over his eyes. He closes his eyes and just lets the water pour, numb. His knees buckle and he falls onto the shower floor, nothing. Once the tears begin they don't stop. Curled up on the shower floor, water indistinguishable from tears, empty. He grabs the sponge resting on the shower ledge next him and begins to scrub. Scrub every part of him that he touched, every part of him that he hated, that wasn't enough. If I scrub hard enough I'll forget. 

He walked out of the bathroom and grabbed the first shirt and pants he saw in his closet and threw them on. He slowly made his way down to the practice room, avoiding eye contact with any passing staff. He wished he wasn't here, how could he possibly continue on like normal pretending everything is fine. Pretending he wasn't a freak. 

"SANIE!" 

He heard the all too familiar voice behind him, one that usually made him smile from ear to ear. The only voice that made him feel ok when he didn't think they would ever be again. The voice that helped him keep going when he was on the ground hyperventilating before a performance. The voice that told him "I'm here for you" even when San knew he was going through so much more than him.  
No one made him feel the way he did, and that's what scared him the most 

San kept walking, not wanting to face the man behind him. Not able to. He heard the footsteps approach faster 

"Sanie where were you we started practice 30 minutes ago?" Wooyoung said wrapping his arms around San's shoulders, his chipper tone fading as he noticed how red and swollen San's eyes were. 

He'd seen those eyes countless times before and he wished he never had to again. His eyes were normally so full of life and joy, the way they disappeared when he smiled made Wooyoung overflow with happiness. He held the universe in those eyes, and he hated when it disappeared. 

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" Wooyoung asked, his hand caressing San's arm. 

"I'm fine, why are you always so nosey? I hate it" San snapped back pushing Wooyoung's arm off of him. 

He walked away as quick as he could, before he had to witness the damage he knew he caused. 

Knives, it felt like knives in Wooyoung's chest. San had never reacted that way before to his concerns. He had never just dismissed him like that. He'd never insulted the way he knew how to love. Sure Wooyoung had some nosey tendencies, but so did San, and they were always rooted in love. And San knew that, he felt the love, he always felt the love, and that was the problem. 

Wooyoung followed behind San into the practice room, the rest of the members already in formation practicing. 

"San-ah what took you so long? We've been in here for 30 minutes already." Hongjoong said, a hint of disappointed leaking through his words. 

San said nothing, he just walked to his spot in the formation and stood, head down. What was he supposed to say. There was nothing he was feeling that he could assign words to, nothing that made sense. 

Hongjoong looked looked at Wooyoung and furrowed his brow, asking what he should do, if he knew what was wrong. Wooyoung's lip quivered and he shook his head slightly. He didn't know what was going on but he knew San was hurting, and he wanted to make it better in the only way he could think of. He joked, all throughout practice, trying to lightening the mood even when he was hurting himself. He was always so good at that. His jokes sent the members into laughing fits, everyone but San. San knew exactly what Wooyoung was trying to do. He saw right through him and he wouldn't give in, for his sake. He couldn't get closer, he couldn't let people in, for the sake of his team. He was a burden to everyone if he continued to follow through with his impure thoughts. And he was scared, scared of how easily it could happen. Scared of how one lingering look, one inch too close, one quick touch and...no. 

"Get the fuck off of me!" San exploded, shoving Wooyoung onto the hard practice floor. 

He sat there on the ground looking up at him, so helpless, so scared and confused. What had he done. San stared into his eyes, the only eyes that mattered to him, and he saw the pain. He saw the tears begin to well up in them. Tears that he caused in the eyes of the person he loved the most. My fault my fault my fault. He turned around and ran, where he didn't know. Away. 

"San!" Wooyoung screamed. Chasing after him out the door. 

"Wooyoung!" He heard Seonghwas voice behind him. "Leave him."

He walked back to his group, trying to suck up the tears that had been forming in his eyes. He didn't understand what set San off. They were always very close physically. They'd slapped each other's butts all the time to cheer themselves up and it had never been an issue until now. He didn't understand why only now did he react in such a way to his touch. He tried to continue practicing but his mind couldn't focus on anything other than San. His steps empty and devoid of commitment. Where was he, was he ok, what was wrong, what happened, what did I do wrong. The weight was becoming to much for him to carry. A deep empty sadness overtook him, one he had only felt when he was at his lowest. And when he was at his lowest, he always had San there to pick him back up. But he wasn't here. Who could he turn to? What could he do to stop feeling this? Wooyoung turned his head to see all his other members rehearsing and the tears began to flow. He couldn't suck them back up this time. He crashed to the floor and let them fall.

"Wooyoung!" Yeosang screams, assuming he slipped and fell rehearsing. 

Wooyoung let out what started as soft sobs, his head in his hands. His cries grew more and more violent until he was a wailing mess on the floor. Every time he would try to calm down the tears would flow harder. His members all gathered around him, holding him in their arms, trying to bring any sort of comfort to him. His body jerking in their arms with each sob. Wooyoung clutched onto Yeosang's shirt looking for anything that made him feel grounded. 

"What am I supposed to do?" Wooyoung managed to stutter out in between cries. 

He knew that question was loaded. He knew it didn't have the meaning everyone around him thought it did. He couldn't take loosing him, he couldn't, and he didn't know why. What am I supposed to do about how I feel, about who I am. 

"I don't know Woo, give him some space. Maybe he just needs to work some things out" Yeosang replied 

Space was the last thing Wooyoung wanted to give him, and it was the last thing San needed. 

The group stayed huddled around him until the sobbing subsided. He was left broken, his eyes puffy, nose red, weak, ruined. He was so loved, so safe, and yet he felt so alone. Why?


	3. Best Friend

San ran out of the practice room, heart racing, hands shaking. 

"San!" He heard the footsteps behind him as he left. 

He ignored it, he couldn't look at him again. Not when the pain he caused was so visible. Not when the only thing he would do is hurt him even more. That was the only thing he was good at. The only solution, he thought, was to cut him off. If he never talked to him, never looked at him again, he might spare him some pain. It would kill San inside, but if it spared Wooyoung even one more second of suffering, he was willing to die for him. His soul would be empty, but Wooyoung's would be free, and that was the only thing that mattered to him. 

San opened to door to his room and quickly shut and locked it. His heart beating heavy and fast. The world around him seemed to spin and he couldn't get it to calm. The stabbing pain in his chest only getting worse as he tried to wind himself down. It wasn't working, the knives in his chest only twisted more and more and more. He grabbed onto the walls, desperately trying to find anything that grounded himself in reality. This didn't feel real. He ran to the bathroom and threw up. What? He didn't know, he hadn't eaten anything since the morning before. His body convulsed on the bathroom floor, tears being forced out of his eyes from his heaving. He heaved until there was nothing left and still his body wouldn't stop. His chest pains grew even more intense, he was going to die he was sure of it. 

Maybe it would be better that way, the misery he put everyone around him through would stop. San lay on the ground, hoping, praying that this pain would leave him, that he would just die already. "Get it over with" he thought, alone, shivering on the same bathroom floor as the night before. 

Wooyoung walked back to his room, defeated and sore. He climbed into his bed, soft winces leaving his lips. The pain he felt in his body though, was nothing compared to the emptiness in his heart. The kind of empty that felt bottomless. The kind that would make you do anything to feel something again. Whenever it felt bottomless, Wooyoung always had San to hold him, tell him it would be ok. His safety net was gone, and he was falling. 

He lifted up the left sleeve of his black sweatshirt and looked at the faded linear scars across his arm. It had been so long, he was doing so well. He had no reason to, he had been happy for the first time in a long time. He had people that loved him, he had a career he loved, but the urge never left him, and it only heightened after the days events. The look on San's face whenever he noticed a new mark was enough to make him think twice. But he'd hidden them from him before, he could do it again. It helped him anyway he thought. Just one won't be so noticeable, and it will take the pain away. 

Wooyoung reached over to his bedside dresser and pulled out the small blade he kept hidden in between the pages of a book. San had taken all his other ones which made him get creative with his hiding places. He looked at the blade for a minute, contemplating what it symbolized to him, accepting the gravity of what he was about to do. 

He put the blade up to his forearm and slashed, wincing from the sting. With his eyes shut tight he let out a slow breath, reveling in the sting, relaxing in the pain. It was the calmest and most at ease he'd felt in days. One more couldn't hurt. He lined up the blade and made another quick cut. He focused on the throbbing, the blood dripping down his arm, the- he heard the sound of the door opening. He quickly yanked down his sleeve and slammed the blade back in the book pages, staining them red. 

"Hey" Yeosang said, his brow furrowed in confusion. "What are you up to?" 

"Just reading a book how about you?" Wooyoung stammered, still visibly shaken up from Yeosang's near discovery. 

San was the only person who knew about his self destructive habits, well, San and his stylist. But she didn't care, he just needed to let her know why he could only be put in long sleeves for their promotions. 

"Just walking into our room, I think you can see that though." He replied, mentally taking note of Wooyoung's frantic nature. "Hey look, I'm sorry about today, I know that was hard. I don't know what was up with him today, but he'll come around. I promise. It's gunna be ok." 

It wasn't just today though Wooyoung thought. San had been putting distance between them for weeks now. Purposely avoiding eye contact, skipping out on movie nights, standing at the other end of the room, being uncomfortable when he touched him. He felt him drifting and it was eating him alive. What had he done wrong. 

"Then why doesn't it feel like it ever will be?" Wooyoung said. 

Yeosang walked over to Wooyoung's bed and crawled in with him, wrapping his arms around him and petting his hair. Like a child, just a child Yeosang thought. He needed protecting he was so innocent and bright eyed. 

"Your mind is lying to you Woo" Yeosang said caressing the younger boy's head. 

His voice was soft and warm. It made him feel safe. As he lay in Yeosang's arms, listening to his heart beat steady, he felt the blood seeping from his forearm through his sweatshirt. Grateful he chose a dark color today he hid his arm behind his back, praying it wouldn't transfer to the bed sheets. He and Yeosang had been friends for years, he felt secure with him. He wondered then, why he was imagining San holding him in his arms instead. His best friend was right there with him, telling him it would be ok, so why was he longing for someone else. 

Best friend 

Best friend 

He remembered when San introduced him as his "Best friend" to his parents. It should have sent him over the moon, "I get to be best friends with the most wonderful man I've ever met", but it made his heart sink down to his stomach. Why? 

Those words echoed in his head that day 

Best friend 

Best friend

Why is my heart steady right now then, laying in Yeosang's arms, but it skips a beat when San's hand brushes my back? 

The thoughts rushed through his head like a cyclone. He tried to eject them from his mind but they were glued there. Swirling around in his head uninvited. 

Why does my breath hitch when he walks in the room? Why do his giggles make me float? Why am I frozen when he puts his hand on my thigh? Why does my world only feel complete when I see him smiling at me? Why isn't he here right now, holding me, smiling at me, touching me?


	4. Listen

Two months had passed since San's outburst in the practice room, two months of pure hell. 

Two months of one way conversations, of begging for answers with no response. Two months of using the wrong methods for coping. Two months since he'd seen those eyes light up when he smiled. 

Everyday was the same torture, wake up, go to practice, watch as San ignored him, go home, cut, sleep if he was lucky, repeat. Today would be no different he thought. He checked his closet for the nearest sweatshirt he could find. His arm looked more like a tic tac toe board than flesh anymore. He had to make sure his members didn't notice, that wasn't their burden to carry. He looked in the mirror at himself, he looked pale, small, weak. He'd probably lost 25 pounds in the past few months. He hadn't been trying, he'd just lost the energy to eat. It was just an extra thing to do in the day and he couldn't bring himself to care enough. 

Wooyoung made his way to the practice room, wondering what he was even practicing for at this point. The joy dance once brought him had left. The joy everything once brought him had left. His world felt colorless, and then he saw San. 

He was just walking, 

walking down the halls to the practice room, and yet he looked like a treasure. He looked like everything he'd ever wanted, everything he'd ever need and he wouldn't look back at him. He mind drifts to a time when they were happy. When he could say something so stupid and it would send them both into hysterics for minutes on end. When they could walk to the store together and pick up food on their break, talking about everything under the sun. When they were laughing and messing around so much the others members had to scold them to continue practice. They used to be so careless, and he would give anything to have it back. 

"San" Wooyoung called to him from across the hall, his voice saturated in desperation 

"San please answer me" 

"I can't take this anymore" 

San turned the other way, hands in his pockets, demeanor oozing carelessness. Wooyoung was sure though, that he saw a tear glistening in his eye as he ignored his pleas yet again. 

"San I love you" 

Those words stopped him dead in his tracks. San had heard those words countless times, they both had, but this time...this time. It felt different. It felt like a plea, like a confession. 

No

I'm deluding myself, he thought. Nothing was different about this time than the past 100 times he'd said it. And it wouldn't do anybody any good to believe that there was. He took a breath and walked into the practice room. No response, there wasn't one that would be sufficient. If he just pretended he was dead, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to live without him. 

"San I love you"

San froze, and Wooyoung thought for a second, just one second, that everything was going to be ok. That he would turn around and look at him, he'd turn and around and smile and say "I love you too". He'd wrap his arms around him and hold him close, and he wouldn't let go this time. He wanted to feel his hands again, to hear his voice, his laugh. No response...the heartache was too intense to put words to, too terrible to define. 

This was it, this was the moment he lost himself entirely. He might have still been breathing but he was dead. His soul broken.

Wooyoung walked into the practice room. Greeted by his other members, he responded with a smile. It was easier to fake being alright when you knew you wouldn't be around for much longer he thought. 

As practiced continued, Wooyoung exchanged jokes with the other members. If this was his last day here, his last moments with them, he wanted to leave them with happy memories of him. 

"Alrighty practice over! Good work today everyone. Line up please, we are going to have a little weekly briefing" Hongjoong directed. 

Hongjoong proceeded to give notes and corrections to the members on their work that day. What they excelled in and what they needed to work on for the future. Wooyoung's mind however, was only on the man standing next to him. Why did he choose to stand so close when I can't touch him. He could hear San's labored breathing....

In

Out

In

Out 

"Yes. Thank you. I'll work on that. I should wait two counts longer?" San's responds to Hongjoong's comments. 

His voice close enough for Wooyoung to grab but he couldn't. The tears begin to well up in his eyes. He was so so close, happiness there for him to take. But he didn't want him. No matter how hard he tried to hold them back, the whimpers escape his lips. He scrunched up his face and tried to hide it but the tears hit the floor. Soft snivels leave his mouth, he couldn't even pretend for one day that everything was ok. 

San could hear his whimpers beside him, his failed attempts to choke back his tears. It was eating away at him, piece by piece. He wanted to take his hand so badly. To reach over and grasp his fingers and never let them go again. He wanted to make him feel ok, to let him know how much he meant to him. His pain was palpable and the only thing he wanted was to take it away. That's what he had been trying to do this whole time, spare him from it. He seemed to only be making it worse, that was what he was best at after all. It felt like there was nothing he could do, nowhere to go, nothing he could say to save him. He was trapped and there was no exit in sight. If only he could change. 

He closed his eyes and tilted his head up to the ceiling.

"I want to be well God, please. Take this from me. Change what I feel for him. Please. I don't want to feel this anymore" He silently prayed.

In that moment, he was a little boy again. Back in church on his knees, hands folding together, begging to be normal. It was a familiar prayer to him, one he's repeated since he was seven years old. 

Who was he really doing this for San wondered. Was it really to rid Wooyoung of that burden, to spare his members more problems, or was it for him. For his own selfish reasons. So that he didn't have to look in the mirror and accept who he was. So that he never had to say it out loud. If he didn't say it, if he didn't act, if he pushed it down so deep it could never bubble up it wouldn't be real. 

"Ok you two need to work this thing out. This is affecting all of us at this point. WHAT is going on?" Hongjoong barked. 

This had been going on for months now and he was unable to turn a blind eye to it anymore. 

Hongjoong's words only made Wooyoung cry harder. 

"I'm sorry it's just I...I've tried to ask and neither of you will talk about it. I don't know what else to do. You have to talk to each other, please" 

"I've tried" Wooyoung sputtered out in between sobs. 

"I can't do this anymore" 

He ran out of the room leaving San to answer Hongjoong's plea, anger in his heart, sorrow in his soul. 

So much for happy last memories


	5. Rare

It felt dim

That's the only way he knew how to describe it. His world. 

Wooyoung drove through the city streets and out to the country. His heart was heavy but his mind felt contempt. Contempt with what he was about to go through with. It would be over soon, his heart could finally be at peace. 

He parked his car on the side of the rode and got out. The autumn breeze rushed over him, it was brisk. It stung his face and flushed his cheeks almost instantaneously. He walked along the brick pathway, kicking the leaves beneath his feet. His hands ran across the railing of the bridge, wicking the water droplets off with his fingers. He grabbed the rail with both hands and leaned over the edge to see the water below. The nervousness only now started the settle in, his heart rate increasing as he breathed. 

He wondered if they'd ever find him here or if it would be a body less funeral.

He lifted his right foot up the the slippery ledge, keeping himself balanced with his hands. His left foot followed shortly after. This was it, he was finally here. 

Everything in his head was telling him to just do it, to get it over with and just take one last step. Memories playback in his head like a film real. Flashing all at once behind his eyelids. 

He imagined all of the possibilities. He imagined what could have been if their fates were just a little different. If their circumstances had changed even just the smallest bit. Maybe they could have been happy. Maybe they could have lived that idealistic fantasy they both dreamt of. Thoughts of kisses that would never come to pass. He could taste him like blood in his mouth. Touches that he would never feel. The tears rolled down his cheeks and off into the water below, the river looking like a culmination of all his past tears, all of his sadness right in front of him. He was destined to drown in this sorrow. He always had been he thought. He always knew he would die like this. 

The last time he tried was around five years ago, only sixteen and so so lost. He had sat in his room at his childhood home, so empty and alone, and swallowed a bottle of pills next to him. Counting each one as he put them in his mouth, he felt at peace for the first time since he was a young child. In that moment, the grief swallowed him completely and he let it, he was glad for it. He could finally rest. Of course he didn't expect to wake up in a cold hospital room, his family broken beside him. That was the hardest part of it all, seeing their faces, knowing he caused their anguish. He didn't expect to have to. Maybe that made him selfish, but he was only trying to spare them the grief of having to live with a person like him. 

A person like him 

A week later he met Choi San. He was walking down the hallway 

Just walking 

He was an angel. The second he spoke to him he knew he was sent to him from heaven, no earthly person could make him feel that way. A type of happiness he had never experienced before, a type that he didn't believe even existed. The world seemed to sing. His life once bleak and dim was painted in vibrance and beauty. He was made just for him, he was sure of it. Crafted to love and be loved by him. It was like that every time he saw him. No matter how long he had known him for, he always saw him with fresh eyes. Wooyoung couldn't help but think of how if his attempt the week before had been successful, if he was granted his wish, he would have never known such joy. He would have never got see the sunshine that emanated from San's eyes and lit up Wooyoung's heart. 

Choi San

Choi San looked like a color that hadn't been designed yet. 

A person like him was so rare that he was sure he was going to wake up one day and he would be gone. It would all be one massive drug induced fantasy. A beautiful, radiant, tragic fantasy. It was so good that the only thing Wooyoung could think of was when it would inevitably end. When he would slip through his grasp and he would loose him forever. 

And he had. 

Once Choi San was with you, life without him was colorless. It was devoid of all meaning. 

Wooyoung rolled up his sleeve and looked down at his forearm. So ugly, he thought. The cuts still stung fresh from the night before. He ran his fingers across them, tracing the bright red lines. His fingers pressed harder and harder into them, punishing himself for what he was about to do. San had always been there for him when the urge was too strong to resist. He'd take his hands and look at him, tell him it was going to be ok and Wooyoung knew it would be, because San was there. He'd breathe with him, talk to him, cry with him, he knew how to make it better. 

He made it hurt less. 

He was so beautiful, so selfless, so kind. 

But he didn't look at him anymore, he didn't notice, so what was stopping him.

Wooyoung didn't leave a note, he would leave without saying goodbye. He couldn't pass his cross to San, it was his to carry alone. None of this was San's fault and he couldn't lead him to believe it was. 

He clamped his eyes shut tight and inched closer towards the edge. He leaned further over and took in a breath. The crisp air of the night filling his nose. Tears still running down his face as the memories continued to play. 

One picture, frozen in his mind 

The image was seared there. He was looking at him, his smile overtaking his vision. There weren't enough words in the dictionary to describe his smile. Unlike anything he'd ever seen before. Nothing else in the entire universe mattered when he saw Choi San's smile. He saw his dimples, resting deep in his cheeks. His smile was so big his eyes disappeared as he let out a giggle. It sounded like what he could only imagine walking into heaven sounded like 

He took a pause 

He'd never see those eyes again...

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

The vibrating in his pocket snapped his out of his thoughts. Startled, he stumbled off the railing onto the ground behind him. 

Safe 

Wooyoung pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the caller ID. 

SEONGHWA 

He always texted never called, Wooyoung thought to himself. 

Too little to late, he hung up and put the phone back in his pocket. 

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

"What do you need!?" Wooyoung shouted 

"I'm sorry, I know you two are having problems right now but I just really thought you should know...San is in the ICU"


	6. Waiting Game

"I can't do this anymore"

The words echoed in his head on repeat. 

Over and over again 

Louder and louder 

He tried to decipher their meaning, to decode whatever message Woo was sending him behind his words. 

"I can't do this anymore"

He stood in the practice room with his members and looked up in the mirror at himself. Who was he. 

Who are you San

He felt his chest begin to burn. The heat emanating from his heart spread around his chest, down through his legs, through his finger tips, up to his head. The burning was all encompassing, engulfing his entire being. He could feel his heart start to pound. The banging in his chest increasing rapidly alongside the burning. The pain was immeasurable. His body began to shake, buckling under the stress it was being put through. 

"Deep breaths" he remembered Wooyoung's voice when this would happen to him. 

He tried to breath in slowly but his breath was sharp and shallow. He tried exhaling but nothing came out. Stuck in a perpetual state of breathlessness. His body still shaking, heart still racing, head still burning, he crumbled to the floor. He tried to call for help but the only thing that left his lips were a series of inhuman groans and gasps for air. It was pain like he'd never felt before, he couldn't hold back his screams. The agony was so severe, he was going to die this time he knew it. And all of his members had to watch, all except for Wooyoung. He couldn't help but be glad his eyes were spared from this. 

The members rushed over to his side 

"SAN! What's going on what do we do!?" Yunho shouted, the terror in his voice unmistakable. 

San knew there were people around him, but he couldn't feel them, couldn't see them. The only thing that was tangible was his misery. His vision started the blur, the corners of his eyes losing their light. The only thing he could see was a bright figure directly in front of him. 

"I don't know. This happens almost every night in the dorm but never this intense" Seonghwa stammered, his face exuding panic. 

"What!? This happens all the time and you didn't think to fucking tell one of us!? To let us know!?" Yeosang yelled.

"He told me not to! He didn't want any of you to have to deal with it." Seonghwa replied.

"Well we are dealing with it now aren't we! Stellar idea Seonghwa." Yeosang hissed.

Yunho held San in his arms, trying to calm his trembling body to no avail. They were all terrified, but it was the dread in Seonghwa's eyes that shook them the most. 

In the blink of an eye, San has stopped moving. His shaking had subsided but so had his breathing. Their hearts sunk to their stomachs. The reality of the situation finally sinking in. 

"What do I do!? What do I do!!!" Yunho shrieked, his panic feeding his irrationality. 

"Yunho, Yunho. Calm down, it's going to be ok, Jongho is on the phone with 911 right now. We need to stay calm. We aren't helping him by panicking" Hongjoong stated, his rational demeanor only a facade. 

Inside he was a trying to untangle the web of doubts and fear that was forming inside him. 

Seonghwa turned his back towards his members, unable to hold back the tears. This was his fault, he should have told someone about San's condition. If anything happened to him, he would never be able to forgive himself for his mistake. Mingi stood behind him, holding him tight in his arms as he broke down into a puddle of tears. 

There was nothing they could do except comfort each other as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours as they looked at San's still body on the ground. Yunho still holding him in his arms, regularly checking for a heart beat. 

"You guys... I don't hear a heartbeat anymore...I don't hear anything!! What do I do!? Why can't I hear anything!!" Yunho screamed. His breathing was frantic as the hysteria overcame him. 

"The ambulance is here help me carry him out Yunho" Jongho said, trying to maintain his composure. 

They lifted San onto the stretcher outside the building as the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance. 

Yunho and Seonghwa joined San in the ambulance, when he woke up, if he woke up, he needed to see faces he knew. They watched as the paramedics hooked what seemed like countless tubes and devices to San's body. He looked so small and so weak, like a child. The ambulance ride felt like an eternity as they watched the paramedics attempt life saving procedures on San's tiny body. He didn't deserve this, nobody did, but least of all somebody like San. 

Once they arrived at the hospital the medics rushed San into the building, ordering the members to wait outside in the waiting area. The air felt thick. The severity of the situation hung over their heads. Nobody said anything, there was nothing to say. 

Was it two hours, thirty minutes, five hours, five minutes? Not one person in that room knew how long they had been sitting there when they saw a nurse walk in. They all promptly stood up and rushed over to her. Good or bad news they had to hear it, anything to end this torturous waiting game. 

"Hello, thank you for waiting."

Just get it over with

"Well, good news is he's awake. He suffered a heart attack followed by cardiac arrest, meaning his heart stopped beating entirely for around 2-5 minutes. If we didn't get to him when we did he would not be alive right now. Now a heart attack from somebody as young as him is almost unheard of, does he have any pre-existing conditions that you know of?" 

Seonghwa spoke up, "Yes I'm almost positive he has some sort of anxiety or panic disorder or something. He will hyperventilate and shake during the night. He sometimes mentioned chest pains as well. He's had chest pains since he was a boy" 

"That combination makes sense." The nurse replied "Has he never gone in for his chest pains?" 

"Not that I know of. I think he just assumed it was because of his nervousness." Seonghwa replied, his head hung low. 

He should have made him go in before it came to this he thought. 

"He most likely suffers from a heart condition as well as an extreme anxiety disorder. You need to know that combination can be extremely deadly. He is going to need to stay here for a few nights but you can go visit him now if you want" the nurse informed them. 

The members walked towards the room, filing in one by one. He looked so small in the hospital bed. Tubes were coming out of him from every angle. A large ventilator covered his mouth, inhibiting his speech. It was a scary, heartbreaking sight. They could see his chest moving with the ventilator, his every breath visible, but at least he was breathing. 

Seonghwa's mind began to drift. 

"Wooyoung!" He shouted. He was totally unaware of what had just happened 

"You should call him." Yeosang told him

Seonghwa pulled out his phone and searched Wooyoung in his contacts. 

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

Click 

"He hung up on me" Seonghwa said. His brow furrowed, he never called Wooyoung, always texted. Surely he should know this was important 

"Call again" Yeosang directed 

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

"What do you need!?" His voice echoed from the other side of the phone. Seonghwa could hear the breaks in his voice, it sounded like he had been crying. 

"I'm sorry, I know you two are having problems right now but I just really thought you should know...San is in the ICU"


End file.
